Shark Week.

My sister and I agree that winning the lottery pretty much means you're destined to be eaten by sharks. Here's why:

-People who win the lottery buy yachts. If you buy a yacht, you have to hire people to sail it for you. When you hire people, they'll observe that you have a Big Ass Yacht, and they'll use quick math and probably their pirate psychic powers to deduce that you have a lot of money. And as soon as you get far enough from land they'll whack you over the head with a pipe and toss you overboard. Then you'll get eaten by sharks.

-If you don't buy a yacht, you'll probably buy a plane. You'll (again) have to hire people to pilot the plane for you, which as we observed above, can only end in tears. Obviously, the people piloting the plane will see you're rolling in DOLLA DOLLA BILLS, Y'ALL, whack you over the head with a pipe, and toss you out the door,* probably over the ocean so that your body will never be found. Because you'll be eaten by sharks.

I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure the above two examples of shark eatery are why no one ever sees the winners again after they make off with their giant cardboard checks.

And that's why I don't play the lottery.

(*The airline industry wants you to believe that it's impossible to open an airplane door while at cruising altitude. That's obviously so you won't see them sneaking up behind you with the pipe they're going to use to club you over the head before they feed you to Jaws and steal your money.)