Look Around.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Any time, hard time, no time, my time.

I don't want this to be one of those bitchy pity blogs where the writer only discusses her problems and expects people to fawn. I don't even expect people to care. So I'm trying really hard not to complain, but damn. Damn this day.

This day sucked.

This day was trying really hard to make itself into a culmination of everything that's been going wrong lately, and I had a really hard time with it. And I want to write, I need to write, but I don't know what to write about. It all circles the drain, it all winds up as me talking around something I'm trying not to talk about instead of talking about something worth the time to talk about.

My mother died a few years ago. I guess I could write about how that influenced my day today. Watching my mom die was horrific. There isn't a strong enough word to describe what it does to a person, the act of watching the one person they've centered their entire life around succumb to pain and sickness and eventually stop breathing. Watching her die left me with an abiding anger about a lot of things, an anger I'm not proud of that knits itself through most parts of me. In particular, it left me with the inability to waste. Specifically, to waste time.

You don't have a lot of time, you know. You think you do, so you waste it, because you don't really understand that someday there won't be any more. We all do. We waste minutes and hours and days, we ignore things we shouldn't. We don't live the lives we would be most proud of when we look back from the place we'll be when there's no more time left.

I understand this because I watched my mother die. I observed, from farther away, my father die. My dad's brother, the man that helped him raise my sister and me, died, too. (So did two of my uncles and my grandma, all within about 4 years of each other. It was a bad four years.)

So I cannot goddamn STAND when my time is wasted. I can't stand it when people waste my time; when my time is wasted by the obligation to do things I do not want or need to be doing; when I waste my own time. I can't stand it because I don't have that much time. I don't have enough time, so I'd rather not be doing anything with it that's not something I want to be doing.

For this reason, I'm having a pretty damn hard go of it these days. My time is being wasted by people, by things, by myself. And examples of all of those things decided to rear their heads at one point or another today. So I wound up pretty angry.

And being angry is a worse waste than any of the others. So I'm going to go do something about it right now.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Amanda,
    My heart aches as I read this and realize that you wrote it 2 weeks ago ! Did we talk that day ? Did I even see you ? My memory sucks but I do know that I did not have a sense of how bad your day was nor did I give you a hug. I am always amazed with your insight at your young age. I lost my dad when I was young and I have always felt "older than my years". Is it something that comes from losing a parent when you are yet a "child"? Not sure - but I am sure that it's a pain noone else can understand if they haven't experienced it. Like you, I fear the loss of time, the loss of loved ones. And even though I have no idea how much time I have left on this earth - I worry it's not enough. I try to overcome this by making myself slow down and appreciate every day and all of my blessings - not always an easy task.
    I love that you write - that you share - that you "feel". Never stop. And please know that I am here anytime you need to talk or vent or whatever !!!
    Love ya, Carrie